Pride of a Father
Moderators: chrisbishop, Spectrum Strike Force
http://spectrum-headquarters.com/fanfic ... father.htm
Intensity Angel is, I understand, one of Spectrum Headquarters’ younger writers, and as such, she shows some promise as a developing writer.
Pride of a Father, set in the New Captain Scarlet universe, is a nice little vignette about Scarlet, disembodied by his most recent death, talking with the ghost of his deceased father. In the course of the conversation, Tom Metcalfe is able to give his son the parental reassurance he needs that he is still human, still acceptable to the human race.
The title suggests a focus on Scarlet and Tom Metcalfe; however, the addition of another character towards the end had the effect of diluting the strength of that very original theme. When writing a vignette there is always a temptation to ‘over-egg’ the story by adding too many themes, and perhaps the confidence not to throw all the ideas into one narrative is something that only comes with experience.
There were a couple of different themes running through this story, and the ending might have been more satisfactory if one had been chosen and explored to a thematic conclusion.
Sadly, the scene with Destiny was disappointing. If Scarlet was that upset about missing Christmas with her, surely he would have engineered some way for them to be together. It’s obvious she knows he is there, and can even ‘feel’ his cold touch. Perhaps it might have been interesting to follow that thread, as there was no mention of any ban on his friends spending time with the disembodied Scarlet, if they wished to. So, unfortunately, his feelings in this scene didn’t really ring true for me.
The last two scenes seemed to be tacked on as afterthoughts, and added little to the story. For me, the poignant words, “Merry Christmas, Conrad”, would have made a perfect ending, in keeping with the Christmas spirit.
As I noted in my review of Death and the Captain, illustrations are increasingly important in some stories; it is therefore worth the author’s time to select those that reflect the tone of their narrative. The wrong sort of illustrations can detract from the impact of the text, and where the subject matter is a sombre one, the illustrations should reflect that. I felt that the animated cartoon angels and the sparkly sleigh full of cute teddy bears were out-of-place in a story that deals with death, loss and reunion.
On the technical side, I noticed several grammatical errors left in the text, which surprised me, given the finished quality of the majority of stories on this site. I assume that, in this case, the writer failed to notice corrections made by her beta-reader, which is a shame, as it spoils the narrative. Together with some instances of missing words and mixed tenses, there was a substantial number of repeated words and phrases, giving me the impression that the writer was not really focusing on what she had written. It is not the job of a beta to find and correct 100% of the mistakes. As Marion rightly said in response to my similar comment on her story, ‘any mistakes in the story are mine’. The beta-reader will point out errors in language, phrasing, plotting, etc., but it’s still the responsibility of the writer to look over their own work, and make sure that it is as correct as it possibly can be. If I may make a suggestion: try reading your story out loud. You'll often find you are tripping over a tortuous sentence that seemed perfectly sensible when scanning it visually on the screen.
Some of the narrative and dialogue was a little ‘clunky’: for instance, Doctor Gold’s line “…I would hate for anyone else to receive the shivers…” is rather oddly worded. I would have thought “get the shivers” or “get goosebumps” would be a more natural way of saying it, although given that Gold is not a native English speaker – as far as I recall - it might be assumed that Intensity was using the recognized convention of signifying this by use of 'slightly odd' English.
Despite all that, there was much to enjoy in this short story. I particularly liked the ‘agreement’ reached between Scarlet and his colleagues that, should he find himself out-of-body again (as in the NCS episode Chiller), he should go to his quarters and wait it out. The agreed method of communication was also a nice touch, as were the theories that Doctor Gold was formulating about why Scarlet sometimes finds himself to be a disembodied spirit. Intensity Angel has obviously given this a great deal of thought, and come up with some interesting ideas.
On the whole, although it could have benefited from a little more attention to detail, this is an entertaining story that poses some intriguing questions about the nature of Scarlet’s recovery from fatal injuries and what happens to him while he is – to all intents and purposes – dead to the world.
- (Harry S Truman)
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Ethel Sherman
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I assume that, in this case, the writer failed to notice corrections made by her beta-reader, which is a shame, as it spoils the narrative.
Well, yes, you can assume - but it's quite possible that I missed some of those too.

Quite an interesting point made by Ethel, is the fact that Intensity chose to explore a subject introduced by the series - and to extrapolate on it a bit more than the series did itself. I also found that very interesting, and as a matter of fact, I think those kinds of subjects make for very interesting fan fiction, as obviously, they gave the story good roots, linking it to the series itself. I like ALL kind of fanfic writings, mind you, and various styles, but I find some satisfaction when writing on such subjects - and also some kind of fascination reading about those. Hey, we don't always have the same ideas, or theories, and that makes it very interesting to read about what other writers came up with!
Learning the ropes of writing is not always all that easy, and we often make mistakes along the way while we 'learn the trade' and acquire more experience. I won't talk about my debuts here, you might be embarrassed for me... Hopefully, I've learned a few things along the way, and I'm still learning, listening carefully to those who agree to read/beta-read my stories. Okay I have an additional handicap, considering that I'm not an English-speaker in my day-to-day life, but that shouldn't be taken too much into consideration when I write. That's why I find honest reviews like the one above so very important - because we learn from them.
As far as young writers go, Intensity indeed shows good promises with the stories submitted so far. I hope she'll continue to write - and still contribute to this website with interesting stories.
Keep up the good work, Intensity.
Chris
Webmaster and administrator of http://www.spectrum-headquarters.com
"This is an operational base, not a rest centre!"
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chrisbishop
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It is so easy to see what you think you wrote, rather than what you actually wrote.

Your readers, however, see what is there. A timely reminder for us all, be it in fiction stories or forum posts.

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Marion
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Intensity is clearly writing about something that has great emotional resonance as far as she is concerned and that shows through in every word she has written.
I liked the fact that she has chosen to explore the situation mentioned in the "Chiller" episode - there is clearly a lot of food for thought there, and her take on the matter was both amusing and poignant.
Might it be fair to say that she got a little lost off in her hypothesis over the life , death and Mystronisation of Captain Black ? It's a complicated subject, I think ,for the fanfic writer and we all look at it differently. Intensity's view is intriguing, but needed a little more writing to make it obvious to the reader. ( or maybe I'm being particularly thick !)
Still, a lot of really good ideas going on and a few memorable moments. I really liked the lift scene with Scarlet and Destiny and I think that the fact they said little to each other was indicative of the desolation felt by each.
Intensity is good at capturing the emotional nuances and she has interesting ideas ( something I envy, because I usually don't ). All that she needs is a little boning up on the technical aspects of writing, but I'm sure that will come with practice. There will probably never never be a time when we all do not continue to learn.
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Skybase Girl
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Well thanks guys for reviewing the story. I want to point out something that links to what Skybase Girl was saying.
"Intensity is clearly writing about something that has great emotional resonance as far as she is concerned and that shows through in every word she has written."
At the time I was writing this in the first place, my close friend, Sky, was dying and slipped away just before Christmas. My emotions were not in check, so maybe that could be another possibility why I let some grammatical errors and stuff slip in.
I know I've improved a lot since my first story, "Like Father, like Son". That's probably chock a block (completely if you don't know the phrase) full of errors.
I've recently turned 18, still in College doing English Lit, I'm able to pick up new skills all the time, pick up new ways of doing things, getting to the point more quickly and effectively, and I'm glad you guys have faith in me and enjoy my work in some way.
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Intensity Angel
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As Skybase Girl said above, we all continue to learn, and I certainly cannot claim to be perfect. In fact, on occasion, when writing any new story, I often feel like I am going backwards, not forwards!
I am very pleased to hear your are enjoying your English Lit course, and learning about new ways of writing, but don't forget the simple, boring stuff, like spelling, punctuation and revising your own work for mistakes and inconsistencies. Those things can make a tremendous difference in making any story look more professional and make it easier for the reader to enjoy.
Once any writer has nailed those, (and I admit that the odd mistake will always crop up, and our clever betas will ensure they try to spot them for us!) we can move onto things like trying out different styles of writing and improving compostion, to add to our repertoire.
Good luck with your next story!
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Carrie
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I don't grieve for Sky anymore because I know it's not what she would want me to do. I do miss her a lot, however these little challenges happen in life and test you in ways that you might think are unfair or cruel, like with Captain Scarlet having to cope with Retrometabolism.
I dedicated 'Pride Of A father' to Sky because she inspired me to write it in the first place. She was a swine for giving me ideas and practical jokes to try. I guess in a way I could relate my other Christmas story to her, Richard watching over Harmony Angel, looking out for her. I hope Sky is looking out for me, she loved reading my stories.
For my latest fictions, I've tried a different approach and style. As much as I enjoy writing short stories like the ones I have written, everyone needs a challenge.
But anyway, what do you reckon of the story, carrie?
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Intensity Angel
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My tutors murder me over simple punctuation mistakes 'cause we should'nt make them as we're A-Level students, but stuff happens, it's within our nature.
I accept that we all make mistakes, simple or complex, and even beta readers can miss the odd one or two - but I really feel most strongly that any author submitting a story should have spent considerable time checking the text - using grammar check and spellcheck - and just reading what they've written with a fresh eye and a clear mind.
It is a cliche - and has been said often enough - but your reader does not know what goes on in your mind. They do not know if you plan to use a character again or why you may refer to things that have happened off screen - and it is down to the author to make the context clear within a story - but to avoid overloading any text with unecessary details.
When it comes to punctuation - there are rules - laid down clearly and simply in a dozen places on the web, in books, on the forum even. There is NO excuse to make a simple mistake more than once - when it has been pointed out to you.
And that applies to EVERY author - myself included.
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Marion
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I'm being a lot more careful with this story but to be honest I'm sick to the back teeth of it. I want to focus on another story that is near completion but the sooner I get it emailed back to Chris, the better I suppose.
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Intensity Angel
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I remember seeing J K Rowling addressing a class of fairly young school kids and her answer to the question "How do you become a good writer ?" was, "read all the time and don't stop." ( Or something along those lines !)
At the time, I thought it wasn't terribly helpful, because if I was writing, I didn't have time to read and vice versa. I've changed my mind recently, because I realise I read much more critically than I used to ; it's quite a learning curve seeing how professional writers structure things, the language they use and the emphasis placed. While it can be a bit dispiriting if you are reading an author you truly admire and know you can never hope to emulate, it's also quite encouraging to note mistakes made, or things that could have been done differently. No-one is immune, I've realised and even the most experienced writers can suffer from editorial mistakes, either by themselves or their publishers.
Sometimes, if you have writer's block, it can be useful to read a favourite book. Not to plagiarise, obviously, but just to get you in the mood to release the creative juices.
Then, if you need properly cheering up, read trash chick lit and think, "I can do so much better than this !"

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Skybase Girl
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I read a lot for the fun of it. I've got one of the old Thunderbirds novels and I frequently read that. Along with others. I'm always picking up new things.
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Intensity Angel
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