A ‘Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons’ short story
By Keryn
The more things change, the more they stay the
same. - Alphonse Karr (1808-1890)
Maybe it was sunspots, or maybe it was excessive static interference
from Earth’s overabundance of satellites…or
maybe it was after a Mysteron retrometabolic checkup and there was a glitch
somewhere. In any case, the end result
was clear - the Mysterons had a problem…
7:20am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
“Thank you for using the World
Telephone and Data Communications System.
Please select from the following options: Press ‘Button 1’ for ‘Videophone’ or press ‘Button 2’
for ‘Voice
Only’. Thank
you. You have selected ‘Voice
Only’. Your call is being connected.”
(CONNECTING) (STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
“This is Spectrum Headquarters,
Cloudbase. If you want Command and
Control press ‘Button 1’, if you want General Enquiries press ‘Button 2’, if you want Medical Services press ‘Button 3’, if
you want Maintenance and Engineering press ‘Button 4’, if
you want…”
‘BUTTON 1’ (DIAL TONE)
“Thank you for calling Command and
Control…. If you want Colonel White press ‘Button 1’, if
you want Lieutenant Green press ‘Button
2’, if you want the Officers’ Lounge
press ‘Button 3’, if you want the Amber Room press ‘Button 4’…”
‘BUTTON 1’ (DIAL TONE) (OPEN LINE)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE
MYSTERONS. WE…
“I’m sorry, Colonel White is
unavailable at this time. You are being re-routed to our General Enquiries
department. (LONG PAUSE) All our operators are busy at the moment.
You will be connected as soon as a member of our staff is available.”
* * * * *
7:30am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
(MUZAK) “Please note: this
call may be recorded for training purposes.
We thank you for your patience...”
…WE KNOW…
“Your message has been placed in a
queue. I’m sorry, all our oper…”
…THAT YOU CAN…
“A Spectrum staff member will be
with you shortly. Your call is
important to us…” (CALL
DISCONNECTED)
&*$%$!!! ‘CLICK!’ (STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
????? (DIAL TONE) (RECORDING)
“At the third stroke the time will
be 7:35 and fifty seconds… Beep. Beep. Beep.
At the third stroke the time will be 7:36 precisely… Beep. Beep.
Beep. At the third stroke…”
OOPS! ‘CLICK!’ (STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS.
WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US EARTHMEN…
“Due to the high demand for services
at this time, your message has been placed in a queue…” (MESSAGE REPEATS)
* * * * *
7:42am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…
“Hello. This is Lieutenant Green.
I can’t come to the phone right now.
Please leave a message after the tone.”
…WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US
EARTHMEN…
(PAUSE) “Please try again
after the tone…” (CALL
DISCONNECTED)
* * * * *
7:50am
!!#*$#?/&*$#**!!! ‘CLICK!’ (STATIC)
THIS IS THE…
“Spectrum is currently trialing a
voice-activated system. Please speak
clearly…”
…VOICE OF…
“…. I’m sorry there is no department
named ‘VOICEOFF’. Please try again.”
…THE MYSTERONS…
“There are no ‘MYSTERONS’ currently
on Cloudbase. Please hold the line. An
operator will be with you
shortly. (LONG PAUSE) All our staff are busy at the moment. We thank you for your patience.”
…WE KNOW THAT…
“Due to an unprecedented demand on
our network, we are unable to process your message at this time. Please stand by as we redirect your call to
the main Spectrum Call Centre in Unity City.”
(CONNECTING)
“This is the Spectrum Call Centre at
Unity City. All our lines are busy at
the moment. Please call back later.”
* * * * *
8:10am
‘CLICK!’
(STATIC)
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US EARTHMEN. FOR YOUR UNPROVOKED ATTACK ON OUR MARTIAN COMPLEX WE WILL…
“You have reached Spectrum
Headquarters, Cloudbase. Would you like
to take part in our Telephone Customer Service Survey? For ‘YES’ press ‘Button 1’…”
* * * * *
8:20am
At the Mysteron
Complex:
“OUR PLANS TO DISRUPT THE
TELECOMMUNICATIONS SYSTEM ON EARTH HAS FAILED.
THE EARTHMEN SEEM TO HAVE MANAGED IT FOR THEMSELVES. WE WILL HAVE TO WAGE AN ALTERNATIVE CAMPAIGN
OF TERROR.”
T H E E N D
Author’s Note:
For anyone who might have wondered if the Mysterons were
behind this popular (sic) means of communication…the short answer is: No. They couldn’t get through either: the
message being don’t ring now! This
story is for L. who doggedly remained on the line and was finally connected to
a human.
OTHER
STORIES BY KERYN
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