SPOOF FROM ‘THE PRINCEY FOUNDATION’
(ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE PRINCEY
FOUNDATION’S WEBSITE)
Gerry Anderson's classic
television series Captain Scarlet remains a big favourite with children and
adults alike. The weekly battles between
Spectrum and the Martian villains the Mysterons made for cult viewing.
However, some critics, in that
peculiarly killjoy manner they seem to enjoy, pointed out that every week the
Mysterons made a huge tactical error by announcing beforehand in a deep,
deadpan disembodied voice (imagine Barry White on medication and you've some
idea what it sounded like) exactly what act of terror they intended to
accomplish. This gave Spectrum Leader
Colonel White the opportunity to send a number of Spectrum Captains (who were
all named after colours) and one or more of the Angels (a team of five
attractive female fighter pilots) to the danger zone in plenty of time to
thwart the Mysterons' plan.
Gerry Anderson, who had
previously brought us the classic series Thunderbirds, Stingray and Fireball
XL5, responded by writing what he called a far more realistic and adult episode
of Captain Scarlet, which it was hoped would take the series in an entirely
different direction. Sadly, the script
never got beyond the development stage and the episode was never made. However, The Princey Foundation recently
managed to locate the only surviving copy of the lost episode's screenplay…
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CAPTAIN SCARLET - EPISODE 33
"CHANGE OF PLAN" BY GERRY ANDERSON
Cautionary Voiceover: Remember, Captain Scarlet is indestructible,
and so are you. You can do everything he
does and not get hurt, such as leaping off tall buildings, jumping from moving
vehicles and sticking your fingers into electrical appliances.
Music: Bom Bom Bom Bombombom Bom.
Scene One: Cloudbase
Interior. Colonel White is sitting at
his desk, with the Spectrum agents and Angels sitting around him.
Colonel White:
I agree that
it's risky, Captain, but I believe it's the only possible course of action.
Captain Scarlet:
Very well,
Colonel.
Colonel White:
I call.
Captain Scarlet:
Read them
and weep. I've got a Straight Flush.
Colonel White:
Damn you,
Scarlet.
Captain Magenta:
You should
know by now, Colonel, Scarlet never bluffs.
Colonel White:
Belt up,
Magenta, or you'll be spending the rest of your Spectrum career as Private
Pink.
Captain Ochre:
At least
pink's better than ochre.
Destiny Angel:
Oh bloody
hell, here we go again...
Captain Ochre:
Look, all
I'm saying is it would be nice to be a colour than people recognise. What the hell's ochre anyway?
Captain Blue:
It's a type
of yellowy brown, isn't it?
Captain Ochre:
Brown?
Captain Brown? That's like being Captain Shi...
Colonel White:
That's
enough of that, Ochre. It's your deal.
Captain Ochre:
S.I.G.
Colonel.
Melody Angel:
What exactly
does that mean anyway?
Colonel White:
S.I.G.? It
means "Spectrum Is Go".
Captain Blue:
No, it
doesn't. It means "Spectrum Is
Green".
Colonel White:
That's
ridiculous. Spectrum isn't green, it's
multi-coloured. That's why we're called
Spectrum, you idiot. How could we
distinguish between our agents if they were all called Captain Green?
Lieutenant Green:
Well, Sir,
we could call them Captain Light Green, Captain Dark Green, Captain Minty
Green...
Colonel White:
Oh, shut
up. I'm in charge and what I say
goes. S.I.G. means "Spectrum Is
Go".
Doctor Fawn:
Actually, I
heard that it means "Scarlet Is Gay".
Captain Scarlet:
You are
about to discover, Doctor, that in your case it means "Scalpel Intersects
Genitals". (He produces a small
blade from his belt and begins to chase Doctor Fawn around the room).
Colonel White:
Oh, for
crying out loud, sit down, the pair of you.
And Scarlet, where did you get that knife?
Captain Scarlet:
I bought it
from Captain Blonde.
Harmony Angel:
Whatever
happened to Captain Blonde?
Colonel White:
We threw him
out after the time he cut off that Mysteron agent's ear. Talking of which, isn't it about time the
Mysterons were making their customary weekly threat?
Captain Scarlet:
Quite right,
Colonel. I think I sense it approaching
now.
Mysteron Voice:
This is the voice of the Mysterons. We know that you can hear us Earthlings. We will continue our war of vengeance against
your planet. But this week, just for a
change, we're not going to tell you what we're going to do. What d'ya think of that? Bit of a blow for
ya, eh? Maybe we're going to blow something up.
Maybe we're going to kill someone.
We can do anything we like, and you're not going to stop us this week
mateys, no siree bob. Captain Scarlet
might be indestructible but he's not [EXPLETIVE DELETED] omnipresent you
know. And Captain Blue's a stupid
[EXPLETIVE DELETED] who couldn't even get a decent [EXPLETIVE DELETED] in the
Angels' changing room. Nar Nar Nanaar
Nar.
Colonel White:
Well, ladies
and gentlemen. It looks like this week
we're buggered. Whose deal?
They
play poker for twenty minutes, after which time a Mysteron explosive device
destroys the World Government Building.
Colonel
White:
We better come up with a
contingency plan for next week, in case the Mysterons try the same trick again.
Captain
Magenta:
How about, instead of regular poker, we play
strip poker?
Captain
Blue:
Yes, with the Angels.
Colonel
White:
Good idea. Make the arrangements, will you,
Captain Magenta?
Captain
Magenta:
S.I.G. Colonel.
Colonel
White:
Don't start that again.
Foundation researchers are now attempting to
find the missing episode of Thunderbirds, in which John Tracy is driven mad by
the loneliness of life on board Thunderbird Five, and threatens to destroy
Tracy Island unless Thunderbird Three brings him Lady Penelope, some handcuffs
and a big tub of raspberry yoghurt.
Any comments? Send an E-MAIL to the
SPECTRUM HEADQUARTERS site